Not Mine

Every time I go into a Whole Foods, I think,

"This is not for me. These are not my people."

Today I went into a Whole Foods that had its own bar. And people were hanging out and drinking there. During happy hour. Speaking in the hushed murmurings of NPR announcers.

It was not for me. They are not my people.

Dick Clark Aging

We were in fourth grade, and my friend Dawn's older brother owned the entire series of Truly Tasteless Jokes books. The following joke appeared in one of them:

Q: What goes "40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35....?"
A: Dick Clark aging.

I read it and was like, "Hahahahaha, oh that is RICH. Wait, I don't get it."

R.I.P.

Things Celebrity Gossip Mags Are Suddenly Obsessed With

1. People wearing or not wearing their wedding rings
2. Pregnant women in heels

Adult

I like the way Daryl Hall goes, "A-dult... a-DULT..." Just trying them both on for size. Seeing what sounds good, just tasting the words.

I Work Out

I've decided to go ahead and like LMFAO's "I'm Sexy and I Know It". It has an ugly man boasting about his irresistibility to women therefore it is the modern version of "The Humpty Dance".

Fingers Crossed

Report: Demi Moore went to rehab after doing Whip-its.

Secret wish: Gwyneth Paltrow makes her own artisanal small-batch locally sourced glue and then huffs it. Out of a Hermes bag. Oh please oh please oh please.

Pretend that's computer cleaner

The Time I Saw Drew Peterson at the Gym

In early 2009, I was doing my thing at my gym when I noticed a man and a young boy working with a trainer on the floor to my right. This stood out because, in my two years at that gym, I had never seen a child there. It was the kid that caught my attention first; there was something weirdly familiar about him. Then I shifted my attention to his father, who also looked like someone I'd seen him before. Gray-blond hair, beady, empty-soul eyes, and a 1990s baseball player goatee. Then I realized it was Drew Peterson. You know, the serial wife-murderer.

Later, in front of my computer, I Google image searched "Drew Peterson son" and confirmed the pair's identity. This did not explain why a family from Bolingbrook was at a gym in the heart of Chicago proper, but who was I to question their motives. Maybe they were tired of being hassled for being Petersons while they tried in vain to deadlift (har) in the suburbs. Or maybe Drew Peterson was looking for wife/victim number 6. Maybe the wife/victim number 6 was me!

A few days later I saw him again. He was son-less and he grabbed the only empty treadmill, leaving me with nothing to do but wait, staring at him. As he cranked it all the way up to a slow crawl (seriously, you'd think all that body-disposing would leave a man in better shape) he looked up and we locked eyes for a moment. I gave him my best "I know what you did" look. His eyes replied: "I'm untouchable, bitch."

A few days later he was arrested for the murder of Kathleen Salvio. And a few days after that, I locked eyes with Rob Blagojevich as he was jogging, snap-on hair steaming with sweat, in Ravenswood.

Tone Loc Has Problems

Tone Loc has problems. He's been arrested for DUI and has collapsed, twice, on stage. But most notably, he was arrested for domestic assault on the mother of his child last year. Tone Loc has problems, women problems, and the root of them can be found in his music. You see, Tone Loc sees himself as a person who is always being tricked, sexually.

1. In "Wild Thing," Tone Loc is doing a show at a discotheque. (Did discotheques still exist and operate in 1988? If so, I doubt they would call themselves "discotheques". I don't think Tone Loc is from Germany.) He sees a woman in the audience he is sexually attracted to. She indicates that she would like to join him onstage, he tells her to save it for later. Later comes, and he escorts the woman to a private area where they begin to get physical, and then comes the kick in the shorts: the woman tells him she is a prostitute and requires money if they are to proceed. I think Tone Loc is taking poetic license here. Just because a person is a prostitute doesn't mean they "get paid to do the Wild Thing" every time! Especially with a star of stage and screen they are obviously attracted to.

2. In "Funky Cold Medina", the first verse already sets up Tone Loc as a romantic failure: he's out having a drink and although he is a huge celebrity, all the available women are flocking to some feeb at the end of the bar. As it turns out, the fellow is using an updated version of Spanish Fly, so Tone Loc procures some of his own, and that's where it all goes downhill. His dog won't stop humping him; the girl he meets on Love Connection has an obsession with marriage. And of course, Tone Loc gets tricked again: he meets a desirable woman, Sheena, who turns out to have a penis. Tone Loc is not interested in "no Oscar Meyer Wiener" so he turns the lady out on her ear. The line "this is the 80s and I'm down with the ladies" is telling. Was he down with more than just ladies in the freewheeling '70s? No judgments. He blames the aphrodisiac, but he really needs to look inside his soul.

This is probably why he carefully places the horizontal bar above the "o" in his last name. Tone Loc has risked so much; he doesn't want to risk mispronunciation.

"Wild Thing" and "Funky Cold Medina" mash-up

Gross Moments in Pop Music History, Part 1

Originally, I wanted to talk about the line “what’s the dealio?” in Pink’s “Raise Your Glass”, which makes me duck my head in secondhand shame every time I hear it, but thinking about that line reminded me that in “So What”, Pink actually says, “I’m still a rock star; I’ve got my rock moves.” You don’t need a visual to know exactly which moves Pink means here: tongue hanging out accompanied by devil horns, or, more likely, their clueless cousin, the “I love you” sign. Perhaps some very mild head banging or, at the very least, the digging of the teeth into the lower lip as if to mime the beginnings of the f-word. Ooh, you baaaaad.

And when you think about it, that’s not a very good tradeoff. In the song, her marriage has fallen apart, but she doesn’t seem to mind because of said “rock moves”. I don't care how much of a jerk Carey Hart is being; there are lots of things that are better than being married to a tool (Pink’s word! Not mine!), but showing off your 1999 tongue stud and Pete Townshending an invisible guitar are not two of them.

In conclusion: gross.