Gross Moments in Pop Music History, Part 1

"When you make love, do you look in your mirror? Who do you think of? Does he look like me?"

My Favorite Pinteresty Newborn Photo Trend

"Here. Have a severed baby foot."

Shut Up, You're a Hack

Is there a specific medical term for a person who gets irrationally angry when she hears overused internet slang? Because that's what I have. I've got a bad case! No pill's gonna cure my ill.

Look! It's you!

Look, I fully realize that this is a stupid thing to get worked up over, but I just can't help myself! Some half-wit lobbing a zombie ninja joke turns me straight into a snarling, mouth-foaming, Bourdain-style hothead; a cartoon Taz after looking at a Facebook foodie group.

New year, new you: please stop saying the following things in 2013. Do it for my sanity.

Meh.
Enough.

Wait for it... waaaaiiiit for itttt...
Hopefully, I'll be waiting forever.

See what I did there?
I do. Now never do it again.

Best/Worst. Whatever. Ever. 
Take your multi-periods and cram them up your can.

My eyes! My eyes!
Your eyes! On the ends of toothpicks. Now that would be funny!

Wow. Just... wow.
No. Just... no.

Food/house/whatever porn.
Ugh. Eat shit.

Inanimate object: oh, how I love thee.*
This saying: oh, how I loathe thee.
* Extra hate points if you SIGN your declaration. "Dear pizza: oh, how I love thee. Love, me."

Too soon?
Too late. :(

I want to go to there.
I want to go to there, too. If "there" means "the place where people never say 'I want to got to there.'"

Le sigh.
Le HORK.

MORE COWBELL!
You know the guy who goes to see a band and yells "FREE BIRD" and thinks he's the first person to do so? That's you.

Special bonus anger: this isn't a saying but stop Instagramming pictures of your shoes taken from above.

Not Mine

Every time I go into a Whole Foods, I think,

"This is not for me. These are not my people."

Today I went into a Whole Foods that had its own bar. And people were hanging out and drinking there. During happy hour. Speaking in the hushed murmurings of NPR announcers.

It was not for me. They are not my people.

Dick Clark Aging

We were in fourth grade, and my friend Dawn's older brother owned the entire series of Truly Tasteless Jokes books. The following joke appeared in one of them:

Q: What goes "40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35....?"
A: Dick Clark aging.

I read it and was like, "Hahahahaha, oh that is RICH. Wait, I don't get it."

R.I.P.

Things Celebrity Gossip Mags Are Suddenly Obsessed With

1. People wearing or not wearing their wedding rings
2. Pregnant women in heels

Adult

I like the way Daryl Hall goes, "A-dult... a-DULT..." Just trying them both on for size. Seeing what sounds good, just tasting the words.